


Heal My Heartache

by alphapavlikovsky



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2019!phan, Anxiety Attacks, Could be interpretted as an established couple or just friends thats upto you, Depression, Depressive Episode, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of alcohol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-24 12:51:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17704586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alphapavlikovsky/pseuds/alphapavlikovsky
Summary: Dan returned to see his family after christmas to fix his mother’s ipad when he hits a depressive episode. Luckily he brought Phil’s York hoodie with him.Except he really needs Phil.





	Heal My Heartache

Dan had always forgotten how weird it was coming back to Wokingham anytime that wasn’t christmas. In fact, he’d only left this place about six weeks ago. Unfortunately for him, his mother called him at six in the morning a few days ago to request he fixes her iPad. So he packed up some belongings of his and headed to his family home to help his mum, only planning on staying for a couple of days. 

Karen had smiled earnestly at his arrival, accepting him in with her arms wide open and ready to envelop him in a mum-hug that couldn’t be recreated by any other person. There was something safe about being in her arms, reminding him of the time he’d fallen off his bike when he was seven; or the time he’d had his first depressive episode when he was seventeen. Karen was a comfort that he often overlooked whilst he was busy creating a new life for himself. He felt somewhat guilty, it wasn’t all her fault after all. Nature and Nurture fighting against each other and winning over making Wokingham seem like hell because of Dan’s past experiences. 

He’d put his things down in his old bedroom, the colour of the walls making him cringe yet again that his parents had let him paint it that obnoxious gold and brown which began reminding him of chocolate and caramel. Certainly not what a teenage boy would consider to be ‘cool’ anyway. He’d had a cup of tea with his mother and they’d talked about the few things which had happened in the weeks between christmas and now, talked of Adrian’s trip abroad and Dan’s Dad’s new found love for golf. 

They’d gone out for dinner just the two of them, Dan’s hand contantly seeking out his phone blindly incase Phil were to text from their shared home. 

The day had been pleasant, sharing a bottle of red wine with his mother and chatting was a thing he genuinely enjoyed doing whether he’d say it or not. He stopped after two glasses, kissing his mothers forehead and heading up to bed at a reasonable time. He quickly phoned Phil before bed to say goodnight, the nostalgia of the situation seeping into him. His eyes fluttered shut rather quickly and sleep came. 

When Dan woke, it was as if his duvet that was lightly covering him were actually enveloping him in a heavy darkness that he struggled to move from. The ugly gold and brown of the walls now drained of colour to a bland, boring grey that seemed to be taking possesion of the room. He wanted to call out to his mother and explain he wasn’t being lazy except he didn’t even have the energy to open his mouth in the first place. He looked down at his rucksack on the floor which he’d conveniently left leaning against his bedside table. With the dreggs of energy he did have, he unzipped his rucksack and pulled out the one thing he knew he needed more than anything else when he packed. Phil’s York Hoodie. Dan didn’t think Phil even knew he still had it either actually, but it was the one safety blanket that Dan allowed himself, although he’d never admit it to his family or friends.

It had been years since he’d worn it; the need diminishing over the years as Phil was mostly around during his bad days. The green colour had now faded from the amount of times it had been through the wash and it now smelled more like Dan than Phil, but it was still Phil’s. It was still the same hoodie of Phil’s that Dan wore when he was younger and wanted to feel better, hugging one of the stuffed toys that Phil had gifted to him. 

Rapidly, Dan moved to seek comfort. Pulling the hoodie over his head and forcing his arms through the sleeves like he couldn’t breathe without wearing it. Although as he moved to pull the elastic at the bottom down to his hips, he heard the distinctive sound of the material ripping, echoing through the silence of the greyscale room he was still occupying. That simple noise as servere to his ears as if a bone had broken. Dan ran his fingers along the seam down his side, feeling where a small hole had now appeared from the torn seam. 

He let out a loud cry, the walls closing in around him as he bonelessly flopped down onto the bed in a huddle. His cries got louder as his anxiety grew. He had ruined the only thing that was going to give him comfort. Could he do nothing right? He couldn’t even keep Phil’s belongings safe. It didn’t matter than the hoodie was an entire size smaller seeing as Dan’s torso had grown along with the excersize he’d done for the tour. It didn’t matter that if Phil had put it on himself it would still probably have ripped in the exact same place. This was his only connection to Phil right now and he’d ruined it. He ruined everything. 

The negative thoughts flowed almost as quick as his tears. The vulnerability he felt growing now that he didn’t have his safety blanket. Phil was going to hate him, wasn’t he? Dan had ripped his university hoodie, the memories that came with it. All of that was tainted because Dan was needy and broken. 

His mother burst into the room, arms enveloping him in that once again familiar hug which now felt cold and empty, almost pittying even. What would Karen think? Her grown-ass son crying because he is too big for a sweater. She probably thought he was pathetic, didn’t she? Karen was shushing him gently, rocking him back and forth in her arms like a newborn though it wasn’t penetrating through the wall of anxiety Dan was stuck behind.

Karen felt useless, unable to help her son at his most vulnerable. She sat on the edge of his bed, merely holding him, his face burrowed into the crook of her neck as he silently cried those familiar trails of salty tears. 

Dan felt hollow. As if his body were merely an empty vessel which contained nothing but the air he breathed. He didn’t feel anything anymore. As if ripping Phil’s hoodie had been the straw to break the camel’s back. Now all of his despair was replaced with nothingness. A black, seemingly endless void that he wanted nothing more than to throw himself into. 

The door bell sounding didn’t even register on his radar. Nor did the sharp sound of the family dog, Colin barking or his claws echoing on the hardwood floor beneath him. He barely noticed his mother’s touch leaving him. He felt like he hadn’t blinked at all in that time, not even as he stared down at the palms of his hands which lay face up within his lap. 

The grey of his room now seemed to crumble, a shadow entering and knocking down his guard. He still hadn’t blinked - not until he heard the gentle almost whisper of a voice calling his name. 

“Dan” 

He heard it once more, the strange sound of it making him blink a few times as he tried to register it. The bed shifted beneath him and suddenly a figure was in front of him. A black and white figure that was waiting for him. That was here for him. 

“Ph-Phil?” Dan finally spoke, his voice cracked and broken from being unused that day. It couldn’t be Phil. He must have lost it. There was no way Phil had traveled the almost two hours it took to get from London to Wokingham just for Dan. 

Right? 

Except he was now being pulled into a pair of arms that truly felt like home. The sheer warmth from them radiating through his empty shell and relaxing him. Soothing him from inside out at the mere thought of Phil being here.The colours of everything were slowly returning too. They were still greyscale, but there were warm tones now that weren’t there before. After all, Phil couldn’t help him get out of a depressive episode; but he could help coax him out just enough to feel that bit less alone. 

“I ripped your York hoodie” Dan said, his voice completely monotone as he finally looked up to where his mother stood in the door way. She looked sad, but not pitying. She smiled softly at him, as if to communicate that it was okay to have bad days. He was still looking at her when he heard a low voice rumble from the body that was still holding him. 

“That’s okay, It was about time I got a new one anyway” 

Even though it wasn’t a miracle cure, Dan chuckled a little. 

“Something from Topman, I assume?”.


End file.
